Resident Evil: There and Back Again
by idontknowjack2000
Summary: God made us do it!


RESIDENT EVIL: THERE AND BACK AGAIN – A HOBBIT'S TALE

01/15/2005

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DISCLAIMER: Pretty much everything in this story belongs to Capcom, and anything else that we forgot belongs to their respective owners. Obviously, there are probably spoilers in this story, like when Chris gets a new car! What a big baby! HAHAHA! Also: in case of fire, please break your head through the monitor. VERBOTEN!

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JULY 1998

CHRIS: Strange reports were coming from the outskirts of Raccoon City... All victims were supposedly... eaten...

(SHOWS FATHER AND SON FISHING AND SON FINDS AN EATEN CORPSE, AND A FISH)

CHRIS: Bravo team was sent to investigate, and went missing.

(SHOWS EDGAR ALLEN POE)

CHRIS: We were sent to find any survivors and rescue them.

(SHOWS RANDOM ACTS OF EVOLUTION)

CHRIS: This is our story.

(STARTS PLAYING TECHNO MUSIC)

(SHOWS ALPHA TEAM SEARCHING THE WOODS)

WESKER: Nice night for the paranormal. (GIGGLES)

JOSEPH: What's that supposed to mean? I'm not gonna die!

CHRIS: Poor Joseph. Didn't think we'd lose him that fast.

JOSEPH: What?

JILL: (CRIES)

BARRY: He was so young!

JOSEPH: Guys! It's not funny! This is a dangerous mission! STOP IT!

WESKER: (FOR NO REASON YELLS) Quick to the mansion!!!

(THEY ALL RUN INTO THE MANSION LEAVING JOSEPH BEHIND)

JOSEPH: (ALL ALONE) What's that?

(SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS)

JOSEPH: Hey guys, what are you doing? Where are you?

(ZOMBIE DOG RUNS OUT FROM BUSH)

JOSEPH: GET AWAY!

(DOG JUMPS ON HIM)

ZOMBIE DOG: Wesker wasn't joking when he said paranormal...

(JOSEPH SCREAMS)

(TECHNO MUSIC ENDS)

(THE OTHERS ENTER THE MANSION EXCEPT FOR CHRIS)

JILL: There are 3 things I wanted to tell him... 3 things...

BARRY: I'd ask but they're always the same 3 things you tell everyone when they die. 1: Break a leg, 2: The colour blue will never be the same, and 3: (REALIZES SOMETHING) There is no number 3!

JILL: (LOOKS AT HIM STRANGELY)

WESKER: He's probably...

JILL: What?

WESKER: Well... the boy does love chicken.

JILL: What does that have to do with anything?

WESKER (TO THE POINT): He's probably dead.

(THEY HEAR GUNSHOTS)

WESKER: I recognize that sound, that's Chris' gun. Go investigate. I'll stay here, see what information I could get out of that parrot there.

(JILL AND BARRY GO IN THE ROOM)

WESKER: Now, little parrot. What do you know?

PARROT: Squawk!

WESKER: .........

PARROT: Squawk! Umbrella whistles T-Virus, Zombies whistles Eat people!

WESKER: Damn, I can't understand bird. Where's Rebecca when you need her?

(GOES TO JILL AND BARRY)

BARRY: Blood!

JILL: Is it Chris' blood?

(BARRY TASTES THE BLOOD)

BARRY: It has nicotine in it.

JILL: No...

BARRY: I know... the "TRUTH" hurts. (Knowledge is contagious)

BARRY: This can't be Chris' blood! It came from a dead person.

JILL: But... how are you sure Chris isn't dead?

BARRY (LOOKING AT A PICTURE OF HIS FAMILY BLANKLY): I just know, Jill. I just know.

JILL: I'll go search that room over there. (SHE GOES INTO THE ROOM)

BARRY: I wonder........ No I don't?

(GOES TO JILL)

JILL: gasp

(SHOWS ZOMBIE EATING S.T.A.R.S. BRAVO TEAM MEMBER KENNETH J. SULLIVAN)

JILL (SAD): Well... he always said that's how he wanted to go.

(JILL LEAVES THE ROOM QUICKLY)

JILL: BARRY! A MONSTER!

(THE ZOMBIE BARGES IN)

BARRY: Great! Now I can try my Magnum!

(HE SHOOTS THE ZOMBIE'S HEAD OFF)

BARRY: I love an excuse to use my Magnum.

JILL: Wow, Barry. You looked like you enjoyed that too much.

BARRY: Well, he looked like my ex-wife! (LAUGHS)

(JILL STARES CONFUSED)

JILL: We should report back to Wesker.

(THEY GO TO THE LOBBY)

JILL: Wesker's not here....

BARRY: We better split up and see what we can find.

JILL: What? Wouldn't splitting up make us more vunerable?

BARRY: Nonsense, there's safety in numbers. (HE GOES THROUGH A DOOR QUICKLY)

JILL (DRAMATIC): I wish I learned to drink, so that I could not say tonight was not a good day to stop drinking...

BARRY (ROLLING DOWN STAIRS PAINFULLY): THAT'S MY LINE!

(HE ACCIDENTALLY ROLLS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AND THE DOOR SLAMS BEHIND HIM)

(BARKING)

BARRY: Whoa, somebody throw these dogs a bone!

(MORE BARKING AND A SQUEAL)

BARRY: (SEMI-HIGH YELL) FLIPPER!?!?!?! AH! FLIPPER!... HERE!!?

(GUNSHOTS)

BARRY: JILL! I'LL MEET YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!!

JILL: BARRY!

(OPENS DOOR AND SEES NOTHING)

JILL: Poor Barry....

(GOES TO CHRIS WHO HAS SOMEHOW MADE IT TO THE PLACE WHERE YOU FIND THE HERBICIDE)

CHRIS: DAMN! THE DOGS ARE FOLLOWING!

(GOES TO AN ACTION PACKED SCENE WITH CHRIS FIGHTING THE DOGS)

(CHRIS DEFEATS THE DOGS)

CHRIS: phew I hate mutton! Hey, some herbicide! Don't know when it'll come in handy!

(CHRIS ATTEMPTS TO OPEN THE DOOR)

BANG-BANG It's locked. It's locked by a lock that's rather simple in mechanism.

CHRIS: Huh? Well… I'll just force the door down.

(CHRIS RAMS AGAINST THE DOOR)

BANG-BANG It's locked. It's locked by a lock that's rather simple in mechanism.

CHRIS: Huh? Why can't I force this door down? And what's with this text?

BANG-BANG It's locked. It's locked by a lock that's rather simple in mechanism.

CHRIS: DAMMIT!

(THERE ARE MANY DOGS HOWLING)

CHRIS: Damn door! I'll just go through this door right next to it.

(CHRIS GOES THROUGH DOOR)

CHRIS: Those dogs are on my tail… I'd better stand next to the door and surprise them otherwise I'm DOGMEAT! HAHAHA! I KILL ME!

(CHRIS WAITS NEXT TO THE DOOR)

CHRIS: Any second now…

(CHRIS WAITS FOR 3 HOURS)

CHRIS: When are they coming out?

(CHRIS OPENS THE DOOR)

CHRIS: Yes, I see one! They're coming!

(CHRIS WAITS NEXT TO THE DOOR)

(JOSEPH BARGES IN)

JOSEPH: WOOF! WOOF, WOOF!

(STING MUSIC PLAYS)

(CHRIS BACKS AWAY SLOWLY)  
the  
CHRIS: This place is sick! These mutants! They look like Joseph!

JOSEPH: WOOF! WOOOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!!!!

(CHRIS SHOOTS JOSEPH DEAD)

CHRIS: This place is screwed up! But DAMN that was some pretty good shooting, if I do say so myself. Killed every dog with one shot! Eight of 'em it was! I need to find a hot medic to take my mind off things!

(CHRIS WANDERS THROUGH THE MANSION)

(THE SCREEN GOES BLACK)

VOICE: A long, long time ago… in a galaxy far, far away… There was nothing. And then, there was something. A great sword called Mirrodin. It forged the world from it's hilt, and the sun with it's blade. I was witness to the great grandeur of Elysium. Ah, those were the days of my youth. And from it's iron forged on molten steel flowed running water. Yes! Water! So pure in it's existence. So easily taken for granted now… But in my time… It was the bringer of life. But, then… the great horse of the New Texas located near Japan brang bitter fruit to many. And then, in the Great Exile, our leader… Nay! Our father! Gandalf the Grey ate the forbidden fruit of the planet: Produce! The produce planet! The great planet of produce! It called to him like a moth to a harpy's yell! And so it came to pass the great whore smote the great giant, and darkness fell upon the land. And then, I became a man!!!

BARRY: And that is my story.

JILL: What does that have to do with anything?

BARRY: It was written in the men's room. And so it shall be done.

JILL: Well… let's investigate there.

BARRY: JILL! PLEASE! That's a private place meant for men! How would you like it if we men barged into the ladies' bathroom!

JILL: Barry. YOU'VE DONE THAT MANY, MANY TIMES!!!

BARRY: Jill, you have to understand. That wasn't me. It was my twin sister, Barryita!

JILL: Well fine! I'm not Jill! I'm her twin brother Jim!

BARRY: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH JILL?!?!? (RUNNING AWAY) I NEED TO FIND JILL!!!!!!

JILL: BARRY!

(BARRY LEAVES)

JILL: How did this man get a badge? Ugh… better investigate the men's room.

(JILL INVESTIGATES SEVERAL ROOMS UNTIL SHE FINDS A BALCONY)

(GOES TO JESUS CHRIST BEING CRUCIFIED)

JESUS: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

(GOES BACK TO JILL)

JILL: What's this….. a letter…

LETTER: You don't have to laf 2 b laffing.

VOICE: (GHOSTLY) Dream on…

JILL: That voice! It sounded like Forest!

FOREST: What's wrong Jill? Thought I was a zombie or something?

JILL: No

FOREST: Well good! 'Cause I'm not! Where's Chris and Barry?

JILL: Hmm… I don't know. Let's look for them.

(JILL AND FOREST LOOK FOR CHRIS AND BARRY WHEN THEY FIND AN EERIE LOOKING DOOR)

JILL: I'm gonna go in.

FOREST: Be careful…

(JILL ENTERS THE DOOR TO FIND A ROOM WITH A SHOTGUN ON THE WALL)

JILL: This could be useful… This is a Shotgun… Me being a weapons expert I'd know.

(JILL PULLS THE SHOTGUN OUT AND AN OMINOUS CLICK IS HEARD)

JILL: Huh? What was that?

(THE CEILING IS FALLING)

JILL: OH GOD! WHAT DO I DO! I CAN'T PUT THE GUN BACK ON THE WALL! SOMEONE HELP ME! WAIT! I KNOW!

(JILL USES THE SHOTGUN TO SHOOT THE CEILING)

JILL: It's not working!

(BARRY PASSES BY)

BARRY: Huh? Those gunshots sound like Jill!

(BARRY GETS CLOSE TO THE DOOR)

BARRY: Jill! Is that you? Are you okay?

JILL: BARRY! STAND BACK I'M GONNA BLAST THE DOOR DOWN!

BARRY: NO! JILL! LISTEN! DON'T BLAST THE DOOR DOWN! NOW, QUICKLY! SLIP THE GUN UNDER THE DOOR!

JILL: WHAT?

BARRY: NO TIME! JUST DO IT!

(JILL SLIPS THE SHOTGUN UNDER THE DOOR)

JILL: NOW WHAT?

BARRY: JILL, STAND BACK!

(BARRY BLASTS THE DOOR DOWN)

JILL: WHAT?

BARY: C'MON!

(JILL ESCAPES)

JILL: What did you do that for?!?!?

BARRY: Good thing I came along with this shotgun! You might have been a Jill box of cereal!

JILL: Huh?

BARRY: I know how they make cereal! Don't lie!

JILL: Wait. Where's Forest?

BARRY: The forest is outside, but it's dangerous there. You might get lost if you don't make a map! In case you get lost, remember, the grass is greener on the other side!

JILL: No! Where's FOREST SPEYER… AS IN THE PERSON?

BARRY: He said something about finding Chris and left.

JILL: AND YOU JUST LET HIM GO?

BARRY: I had to, Jill. Every man chooses their own destiny, no matter how foolish.

JILL: Well… let's find Chris.

(A COUPLE HOURS AND COUNTLESS KEYS AND PUZZLES LATER…)

BARRY: Wow, Jill. That was the craziest 2 hours ever! How ever thought finding keys could be so much fun!

JILL: Ugh. Don't remind me. This is the only door left that we haven't opened. Aside from that "sandwich key" door…

BARRY: Jill! This door is locked! And we're powerless to shoot it open!

JILL: Wait! Didn't you shoot down several others earlier?

BARRY: This one's different! It's locked!

JILL: It's okay, Barry! We have the key! See? (DANGLES IT AROUND) Has a shield on it like that lock… you know… opens doors?

BARRY: It's useless Jill! I'm gonna have to find a way around! I might have to use the plumbing to get in there!

JILL: BARRY!

(BARRY RUNS AWAY)

JILL: Ugh. Fine. I'll investigate alone.

(JILL OPENS THE DOOR)

RICHARD: OH GOD! JILL! HELP! SNAKE!

JILL: Huh? This door was locked! How'd you get in here?

RICHARD: NO TIME, JILL! HELP ME KILL THIS SNAKE!

(JILL SEES A GIGANTIC SNAKE)

JILL: GOOD GOD!

(THEY BOTH START SHOOTING)

JILL: Why won't it die!

RICHARD: It's wearing Kevlar! What kind of twisted experiments were going on here?

(SNAKE PUKES OUT A MEDAL)

JILL: What's that?

RICHARD: NO JILL! IT'S A BOMB!

(RICHARD PUSHES JILL OUT OF THE WAY WITH THE MEDAL IN HER HAND AND RICHARD GETS IN-BETWEEN THE SNAKE'S JAWS)

JILL: RICHARD!

RICHARD: RUN JILL! I'M FINE!

(THE SNAKE SQUEEZES RICHARD SO HARD WITH IT'S JAWS THAT HIS EYES POP OUT WITH FOUNTAINS OF BLOOD, AND HIS HEAD EVENTUALLY POPS OFF WITH FOUNTAINS OFF BLOOD COMING OUT OF HIS NECK, THEN HIS HEART SHOOTS OUT OF CHEST AND HE VOMITS HIS STOMACH AND THEN GETS SWALLOWED BY THE SNAKE CAUSING JILL, THE SNAKE, AND THE WHOLE ROOM TO BE DRENCHED IN BLOOD)

JILL: OH GOD! THAT'S HORRIBLE!

(SNAKE LUNGES AT HER AND IT BITES HER IN THE ARM WITH ITS FANGS)

JILL: AH! RUN!

(JILL RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM)

JILL: Oh God… Oh God… Oh God… Oh God… Barry… Why'd you leave… Oh God… Oh God… I feel… like I'm gonna puke… Uh… (SHE FAINTS)

(A DARK FIGURE LOOMS OVER JILL)

(GOES TO CHRIS WHO IS DESPERATELY TRYING TO FIND A HOT MEDIC)

CHRIS: Damn! This mansion is weird! There's all these doors and crap! What's up with that?

(CHRIS' STOMACH GROWLS)

CHRIS: UH! I'M… I'M… Soooo thirsty….! Can't go on! The pain! cough cough I'm… I'm having visions… medic! MEDIC!

(CHRIS SEES REBECCA)

CHRIS: HELLO NURSE! WANNA DO A PHYSICAL?

REBECCA: Ugh! Digusting! Go away! (SPRAYS MACE IN CHRIS' EYES)

CHRIS: OWWWWW! YES! I'VE BEEN A BAD BOY! OWWWW!

REBECCA: What the hell is wrong with you?

CHRIS: EVERYTHING, BABY! NOW SPANK ME!

REBECCA: Wait a minute. That uniform! You're from Alpha Team! Yes! Finally, I can get out of here!

CHRIS: Wait a minute. You're not a mirage! You're real! OW MY EYES!

(CHRIS FALLS TO THE GROUND)

REBECCA: WHAT HAVE I DONE? First I kill Billy and now this!

CHRIS: Billy…? From… Manowar…? You're not a hot nurse! You're the Angel of Death! Who is still hot!

REBECCA: Let me help you up!

CHRIS: Back, vile temptress! Everything you touch turns into gold! Or beans! Whichever is less valuable!

REBECCA: What? There's nothing in mythology that… HE'S HAVING HALLUCINATIONS! I NEED A SCALPEL!

CHRIS: What? I'm fine! Seriously!

REBECCA: You don't trust me because I'm a woman! And because I turned 18 last week! Making me just barely legal, and yearning for new experiences! Getting out in the field, my body all hot and sticky! With other women like me! Uncontrollable urges to seek a pillar of justice! My nipples hardening in the rain! That's why you don't trust me!

CHRIS (SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED): ……y, yeah… Quick! I'm in a mission! I can't think of this stuff! Think gross things!

(IN CHRIS THOUGHTS…)

BARRY (NAKED): I like to cook eggs on palm trees… Care to join me?

(BACK TO REALITY..)

CHRIS: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111 (HE COLLAPSES)

REBECCA: HE'S IN SHOCK! I'LL HAVE TO OPERATE ON HIM WITH MY KNIFE!

(ZOMBIE BARGES IN)

ZOMBIE: uuuhhh…….

REBECCA: AH! OH NO! I'M OUT OF AMMO! Hey! What about my mace?

(REBECCA SPRAYS THE ZOMBIE WITH MACE)

ZOMBIE: Uh? UUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (ZOMBIE MELTS)

(REBECCA LOOKS AT THE "MACE" AND SEES "ZOMBIE MELTER: Liquid Anthrax combined with Bubonic Plague sparkled with radiation. Non-Toxic")

REBECCA: Oh my God! That's would I sprayed Chris with? Holy Poop!

(MORE ZOMBIES BARGE IN)

ZOMBIES: uuuhhh….

REBECCA: POO! I'M OUTTA MACE! I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!

(REBECCA DRAGS CHRIS AWAY INTO A MEDICAL ROOM AND BOARDS UP THE DOOR)

ZOMBIES: uuuhhh…

REBECCA: God! How did I get into two predicaments like this in a row?

CHRIS (WAKING UP): Huh? Two pedicaments? What? Where am I?

REBECCA: You're safe now. I boarded up the door….

CHRIS: Boarded? You didn't have to do that! Zombies don't go through doors!

REBECCA: What? Are you insane?

CHRIS: For real! I spent hours waiting for dogs to come through a door! Oh, look! A typewriter! I bet I can use those ink ribbons I found on this!

READING MEMORY CARD….

SAVE DATA?

1. 02/ Jill / Laboratory 2F 03:42

2. 00/ Tofu / 4th Survivor 00:00

3. 79/ Barry/ Huh? What's this? 99:99

4. A/ Mario/ Stars x 120 05:38

5. No Save Data

CHRIS: Sweet! I still have room!

REBECCA: What are you talking about?

CHRIS: There! Saved! Phew! I was afraid I'd lost my progress!

REBECCA: Let me see what you typed!

(SHE GRABS THE PAPER AND READS IT)

PAPER

01/ Chris/ Antarctic Base/ 03:43

REBECCA: Huh? Antarctic Base?

CHRIS: Yeah, that confused me too. Must be some corrupted data!

REBECCA: Stop to trying to scare me, Chris!

CHRIS: On the contrary! I'm trying to save you! (CHRIS SHOOTS THE DOOR AND THE DESTROYS EVERY BOARD ON IT)

REBECCA: What? How'd did you not destroy the door?

CHRIS: Well, I'm a marksman. But also, the doors do not break down! Unless the situation calls for it… or it's more dramatic.

REBECCA: So the zombies… can't get in.

CHRIS: Nope. Even if we try to let 'em!

(CHRIS OPENS THE DOOR AND THE ZOMBIES TRY TO COME IN BUT SOMETHING IS APPARENTLY BLOCKING THEM)

REBECCA: Whoa! This is weird! This mansion is a freak of nature!

CHRIS: This mansion is a creature of chaos. It has many incarnations. Strangely, the Raccoon Police Department is like this too. And all of Raccoon City… now that I think about it. Trains are a little different… they don't have those crates.

REBECCA: Yeah, I know… wait! What am I agreeing to here? I'm going crazy! How we will ever escape?

CHRIS: It's okay, Rebecca… We'll either live through this… or we won't…

(MEANWHILE… JILL WAKES UP)

JILL: ….Where am I?

BARRY: You're here, Jill.

JILL: Well… Where's here?

BARRY: Stop it Jill… I'm… very depressed right now.

JILL: What do you mean?

BARRY: You see, when I was born… my mother wasn't there. She was probably out drinking and-

JILL (CONFUSED): WHAT?

BARRY: Heh This cutard is delicious! Rich and creamy! Just the way I like it!

JILL: UGH! Barry! That cream corn is… GOD! WHO KNOWS HOW OLD!

BARRY: Mmm… Tastes like tuna. Kinda… crunchy… with a tangy twist! I'm saving some of this for later! (BARRY SHOVES THE CREAM CORN/CUSTARD/TUNA INTO HIS POCKET)

JILL: GOD! BARRY! I… I… (PUKES)

BARRY: No thanks, Jill! I couldn't take anymore of that! I'm on the Jenny Craig diet! Thanks for offering though!

JILL: …………………..(PUKES)

BARRY: JILL! Did you hear that! Sounds like someone's coming down the stairs! I bet it's Chris!

(BARRY OPENS THE DOOR AND SHOOTS WHOEVER WAS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS IN THE HEAD)

JILL: BARRY!

BARRY: This isn't Chris… Chris never dies when I shoot him! Then again, I've never shot Chris before…

(JILL SHOVES BARRY OUT OF THE WAY)

JILL: Jesus, Barry! It's just a zombie! Thank God it wasn't Chris!

BARRY: Okay, Jill. I promise not to shoot a friend anymore, even if it's for love. From now on, I'm a new man. Thank you, Jill! Thank you!

JILL: Uh… OK. Let's continue our investigation

(THEY EVENTUALLY ENTER THE ROOM WITH THE PIANO)

BARRY: I LOVE THE ACCORDION! STAND BACK!

(BARRY PLAYS WHAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EASY LISTENING CLASSICAL PIECE WHICH THEN CUTS OUT TO THE SOLO FROM JUDAS PRIEST'S PAINKILLER)

JILL: WHOA! JESUS BARRY! HOW DID YOU LEARN TO PLAY THE PIANO SO WELL?

BARRY: Uh… Piano? I can't play the piano!

JILL: But; that was amazing!

BARRY: HAH! You should listen to my brother play! That's I sight to be-HEARD! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JILL: Wait, what's that sound?

(A HIDDEN DOOR STARTS OPENING)

(ON THE DOOR IS WRITEN CRUDELY: "THOU WHO KNOWETH THE GUITAR SOLO TO PAINKILLER MAY PASSETH AND THEY SHALL PASSETH ALONE! OR WITH A FRIEND, I REALLY DON'T CARE!)

JILL: What's in here?

BARRY: It's a mask! Another one!

JILL: GOD! It's digusting! (PUKES)

BARRY: C'mon Jill. I found 3 of these already. They're supposed to go in a room I found! Follow me!

(JILL FOLLOWS BARRY TO A DOOR THAT'S AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS IN THE LOBBY)

BARRY: C'mon Jill!

(BARRY AND JILL GO THROUGH THE DOOR AND ARE AT THE CEMETARY)

JILL: BARRY!

BARRY: What?

JILL: The mansion is infested with zombies, and you take me to the cemetery?

BARRY: Well at least we know everything here is dead!

JILL (FRUSTRATED): Ugh… Anyway, what did you want to show me?

BARRY: Jill, although most male birds have no external sex organs, the male does have two testes which become hundreds of times larger during the breeding season to produce sperm. The female's ovaries also become larger, although only the left ovary actually functions. (AUTHORS NOTE: THIS IS COOL)

JILL: …………What does that have to do with anything?

BARRY: No, Jill. You have to understand this before I show you. And now that you understand, I can show you.

(THEY GO TO THE SIDE OF A MAUSOLEUM AND GO DOWN SOME SPOOLY LOOKING STAIRS LEADING TO A ROOM WITH A GIANT COFFIN HANGING BY ONE CHAIN)

(JILL THEN NOTICES 4 HIDEOUS FACES, 3 OF WHICH LOOK REAL)

JILL: What are those?

BARRY: Well… Obviously they're not trees, moths, or spaghetti men. So, therefore, through the process of elimination they have to be pink flamingos!

JILL: WHAT?

BARRY: However, I failed to take into consideration that they're faces with features missing from them. This changes things… I don't what they are!

JILL: Three of these already have masks over them!

BARRY: That's because I put them there! Can't stand look at naked faces!

JILL: Well… put the last face on!

(THEY DO THAT)

(SUDDENLY THE COFFIN BREAKS FREE OF ITS CHAINS IN A SHOWER OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE BLOOD OR RUST)

(A CRIMSON HEAD SLOWLY RISES)

CRIMSON HEAD: Ahem

(SINGS)

Hello, my baby!  
Hello, my honey!  
Hello, my rag-time gal!

Send me a kiss by wire!  
Baby, my heart's on fire!  
If you refuse me!  
Honey, you'll lose me!  
Then you'll be left alone!  
Oh, baby! Telephone!  
And tell me I'm your own!

(THE CRIMSON HEAD DANCES OUT OF THE ROOM)

JILL: What… what just happened? Why didn't you kill it?

BARRY (ON THE VERGE OF CRYING): That was beautiful, Jill… you can't kill art!

(AND SO THE CRIMSON HEAD WAS NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN….)

(THEY INVESTIGATE THE COFFIN)

JILL: What's this?

BARRY: A coffin! You're smarter than that, Jill!

JILL: NO! What's inside the coffin?

BARRY: Well… not me yet! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JILL: It's a … crest! Hey, I saw something like this back in some hallway! C'mon Barry!

(GOES TO CHRIS AND REBECCA)

CHRIS: Well, there's no way we're getting out of here. Wanna have sex before we die?

REBECCA: NO!

CHRIS: C'mon! We have to preserve the species!

REBECCA: Well… in that case… I guess we have to.

CHRIS (THINKING): YES! What a bimbo!

(CHRIS IS ABOUT TO GET SOME WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN AN EXPLOSION OCCURS)

REBECCA: What was that?

CHRIS: I… It was nothing! Quick! The human race won't preserve itself!

REBECCA: It sounded like an explosion!

(REBECCA OPENS THE DOOR AND ALL THE ZOMBIES ARE DEAD)

REBECCA (HAPPY): YES! We're free to escape!

CHRIS: DAMN! How did this happen!

(THEY SEE FOREST'S BODY, OR WHAT'S LEFT OF IT, IN THE DEBRIS)

CHRIS: Stupid Forest! Screwed my chances! I hope he dies!

REBECCA: But… he is dead!

CHRIS: I know! It's just an expression!

REBECCA: Okay! Let's find a way out of this mansion!

(THEY GO EXPLORING THE MANSION UNTIL THEY FIND THE HALLWAY WHERE YOU HAVE TO USE THE CREST)

(SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS)

BARRY: Uh… Thank you, Chris! I've been trapped behind that door for 3 leagues! Thank you for rescuing me!

CHRIS: But weren't you with Jill, no more than an hour ago?

BARRY: God, all these Homeland cards suck!

CHRIS: Huh?

BARRY: Oh, nothing. But enough about me, tell me about yourself.

CHRIS: DAMMIT, BARRY! WHERE'S JILL? I'VE BEEN WALKING THIS MANSION, YEARNING FOR SOME HOT LESBO ACTION, AND YOU LOST HER?

BARRY: I'm not a lesbian, Chris. But if it's a kiss you want, you could have just asked.

CHRIS: UUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!

REBECCA: Chris! Is your perspective on women that screwed up? With the way you're acting I'd rather sleep with Barry than you!

BARRY: Rebecca, I'm flattered but I just can't. I want my first time to be special.

CHRIS: Dammit, Barry! You had kids!

BARRY: Chris, I think I would have known if I was pregnant or not.

CHRIS: UUGGHH!!! WHERE'S JILL?

BARRY: If I were Jill… I'd know where I'd be. THAT'S IT! (BARRY RUNS OFF)

(THEY FOLLOW BARRY INTO THE GUARDHOUSE AND THEY LOSE BARRY)

CHRIS: Dammit! Where'd he go?

REBECCA: I don't know. He couldn't have gotten far.

(THEY LOOK AROUND FOR BARRY AND FIND A STRANGE ROOM WITH ROOTS SPREAD ACROSS THE WALLS AND FLOOR… AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THE CEILING!)

CHRIS: Damn! There's no signs of anyone! Barry's run off! Jill's disappeared! Kenneth and Joseph are dead! I haven't gotten laid yet! And who knows what happened to Wesker! And Brad is flying around in his little helicopter! AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN LAID YET! And these stupid books aren't even arranged in the right order!

(CHRIS WALKS TO A BOOKCASE)

REBECCA: Chris, what are you doing?

CHRIS: Everything in this mansion sucks, except for you, and that's the problem. At least this bookcase's books will be in order for the zombies to read as they're devouring our corpses. Our LIVING corpses, cause they're eating us alive!

REBECCA: Chris, you have to stay cool!

CHRIS: I AM STAYING COOL! (HE FINISHES ARRANGES THE BOOKS)

CHRIS: THERE! This crappy series is now in order! (BOOKSHELF SUDDENLY FALLS ON CHRIS)

REBECCA: WOAH! Chris! Are you alright!

CHRIS: DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M ALRIGHT?!?!?! UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! LOOK! THE STUPID BOOKCASE FALLING REVEALED ANOTHER DOOR! I BET IT'S LOCKED AND CAN'T BE OPENED EXCEPT FOR THE COIN OF DEATH, THAT YOU GET FROM THE PIGGYBANK OF GLOOM FROM ANOTHER DAMN PUZZLE IN THE DAMN MANSION! LOOK! (HE OPENS THE DOOR)

(TENTACLES SUDDENLY GRAB CHRIS)

CHRIS: AW! GREAT! JUST GREAT! I'M ABOUT TO BE EATEN BY A GIANT PLANT! (STARTS GETTING DRAGGED AWAY)

REBECCA: CHRIS!

CHRIS (ABOUT TO CRY): I never even knew my father!

REBECCA: Just hang in there, Chris! I'll get you out somehow!

(SHE CLOSES THE DOOR AND RUNS)

REBECCA: CRAP! WhatdoIdo? WhatdoIdo? (REALIZES) THAT LAB! I need to make that herbicide!

(RUNS INTO THE LAB)

(A BEAKER IS THERE THAT SAYS "WATER: DO NOT ADD HERBICIDE, FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN DEATH OF PLANTS")

REBECCA: That's IT!

(REBECCA ADDS HERBICIDE AND THE BEAKER'S LABEL SUDDENLY CHANGES TO V-JOLT)

REBECCA: Hey! That sounds like a sports drink! (RUNS BACK INTO THE ROOM WITH CHRIS)

REBECCA: CHRIS! There is too many vines in the way! Here! Catch!

(REBECCA TOSSES THE V-JOLT TO CHRIS, WHO CATCHES IT)

CHRIS: V-JOLT? I LOVE this drink! The revitalizing jolt of 11 essential vitamins and minerals! Guaranteed to replenish the body 30 faster than water! (ABOUT TO DRINK IT)

REBECCA: NO, CHRIS! DON'T DRINK IT!

CHRIS: I'M THIRSTY!

REBECCA: THROW IT AT THE PLANT!

CHRIS: Plants don't need energy drinks! (HE'S ABOUT TO DRINK IT)

REBECCA: Uh. I spit in it!

CHRIS: SO?

REBECCA: It's… it's poisoned! It's toxic!

CHRIS: I'm gonna die anyway!

REBECCA: Um… It has sweet n' low instead of sugar in it!

CHRIS: GAH! (THROWS IT AT THE PLANT)

PLANT 42: NNNNNNOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

(CHRIS IS FREE FROM THE PLANT'S TENTACLES)

CHRIS: Rebecca, stand back.

(REBECCA LEAVES QUICKLY)

CHRIS: Chlorophyll? More like BOROPHYLL!!!!!!!!!

(RICHARD WALKS IN)

RICHARD: HOLY CRAP! What the hell is this?

CHRIS: Richard! You're okay!

RICHARD: Chris! Watch out!

(PUSHES CHRIS OUT OF THE WAY AND A TENTACLE THAT WAS HEADING FOR CHRIS IMPALES RICHARD)

RICHARD: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

CHRIS: RICHARD!! NO!!!!!!!!!!

(THE PLANT THROWS AROUND RICHARD LIKE A RAG DOLL, HIS BLOOD COVERING EVERYWHERE. BUT STILL SOMEHOW BEING ALIVE. THE VINES START WRAPPING THEMSELVES AROUND RICHARD WHILE OTHER VINES YANK HIS FINGERNAILS AND TOENAILS OFF, BLEEDING PROFUSELY. RICHARD IS SCREAMING IN AGONY UNTIL SOME VINES FIND THEIR WAY INTO HIS MOUTH AND RIPS ALL HIS TEETH IN ONE MIGHTY YANK, CAUSING TO SPLATTER ALL OVER HIS FACE TO THE POINT OF HIM BEING UNRECOGNIZABLE, AND WITH ONE LARGE RIPPING SOUND HIS SKIN IS RIPPED OFF, THEN THE VINES RIP OFF HIS SPINAL CORD AND LIVER, UNTIL THE VINES PULL HIM INTO THE PLANT WHERE IT QUICKLY DIGESTS HIM SO ALL THAT'S LEFT IS A FEW MANGLED BONES WHICH IT SPITS AT A PILE OF POO ON THE FLOOR, BROUGHT ON BY RICHARD'S LOSS OF BOWEL CONTROL DURING THE MANGLING)

CHRIS: UUUGGHHH!!!!!!!! HOLY CRAP!!! RICHARD!!! YOU WILL BE AVENGED!!!

(CHRIS PULLS OUT HIS SHOTGUN AND DESTROYS THE PLANT IN RAGE, UNTIL IT SHRINKS AND WILTS AWAY)

(REBECCA WALKS IN)

REBECCA: UUUGGGHH!!!!!!! WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS BLOOD?!?!?!

CHRIS (CRYING): It's… Richard's…

REBECCA: Richard? I saw him die before you found me! A giant snake ate him!

CHRIS: Oh! Rebecca! It was horrible! Hold me…

(REBECCA PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM)

REBECCA: There, there Chris. It's okay! It's over now!

(CHRIS SHOVES HIS FACE INTO REBECCA'S BOSOM)

(MEANWHILE…)

BARRY: Jill! I'm so glad I found you!

JILL: Huh? You haven't left. You've been with me this whole time!

BARRY: Spectral Bears.

JILL: What?

BARRY: Oh, nothing Jill. You wouldn't understand.

JILL: Where are we? It's cold and damp!

BARRY: You're right, Jill. I hear water. I don't know about you but I could sure use a swim right now.

JILL: I don't think this is the time, or the best place, to swim.

BARRY: You're right! I don't see a pool buoy anywhere. Someone probably peed all over this pool. But you never know until you see it yourself!

(HEADS TOWARD SOUND OF TRICKLING WATER)

JILL: Where are you going?

(JILL FOLLOWS BARRY TO A RAMP THAT LEADS TO A DOOR THAT APPEARS TO HAVE FLOODED TO WAIST LEVEL)

JILL: Barry, where is this?

BARRY: Jill! This is a door!

JILL: NO! Not what is this! WHERE is this?

BARRY: Okay. We'll need a way around this door. Do you have a ladder?

JILL: UGH! (SHE OPENS THE DOOR)

(JILL SEES A LARGE AQUA DUCT FOR STUDYING SOMETHING WHICH SEEMS TO HAV OVERFLOWN, SHE SEES A FIGURE ON ONE OF THE RAILWAYS)

RICHARD: JILL! You made it!

JILL: Richard? But… you died!

RICHARD: Yeah! I just barely managed to escape with my life!

JILL: What is this place! What were they studying?

RICHARD: I don't know… it gives me an eerie feeling… like I could die at any moment. Maybe- JILL! LOOK BEHIND YOU!

(JUST THEN A GIANT SHARK LUNGES AT JILL)

RICHARD: LOOK OUT!

(RICHARD PUSHES JILL OUT OF THE WAY, AND IS SWALLOWED WHOLE BUT NOT BEFORE BEING IMPLALED IN EVERY VITAL AREA BY THE SHARK'S MASSIVE TEETH. THE SHARK GOES INTO THE WATER WHICH HAS TURNED BLOOD RED, AND SUDDENLY RICHARD FLOATS BACK TO THE TOP)

RICHARD: JILL! I'M STILL ALIVE! HEL-

(RICHARD GETS SWALLOWED AGAIN BY A MIGHTY LUNGE BY THE SHARK, AND IS CARRIES TO THE BOTTOM OF THE WATER. LIMBS START RISING TO THE SURFACE WHILE STILL TWITCHING AND THEN RICHARD FLOATS UP AGAIN)

RICHARD: GOD! GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!

(THE SHARK SWALLOWS RICHARD AGAIN, AND PROCEEDS TO REGURGITATE AND SWALLOW HIM AGAIN 3 MORE TIMES. RICHARD'S THROAT STARTS MAKING GURGLING NOISES WHILE HIS ENTRAILS ARE WRAPPED AROUND THE SHARK'S TEETH. FINALLY, THE SHARK TAKES RICHARD TO THE BOTTOM OF THE WATER AGAIN.)

JILL: Oh my God. How horrible…

(SUDDENLY RICHARD'S CORPSE FLIES FROM THE WATER AND LANDS FACE-UP RIGHT NEXT TO JILL AND BARRY. HIS FACE IS COMPLETELY MISSING AND IS LUNGS AND HEART HAVE BEEN EXPOSED AND ARE STILL BARELY FUNCTIONING, LEAVING RICHARD TO A SLOW, AGONIZING DEATH WHERE HE IS ROBBED OF ALL SENSES EXCEPT FOR PAIN)

BARRY: Woah! That was a vicious piranha! At least I know what to give Richard for his birthday! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

JILL (CRYING): Why are you joking at a time like this? sob

BARRY: Nonsense Jill! Laughter's the best medicine! I'm trying to save Richard! Laugh, Richard! Laugh!

(RICHARD'S LUNGS MAKE WEIRD NOISES AND SHOOT BLOOD AT JILL)

JILL (CRYING): OH, THE HUMANITY! WHY GOD WHY?!?!?

BARRY: Don't worry, Jill! I will avenge him! UUUUUU-RRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!

(HE JUMPS INTO THE BLOOD-STAINED WATER AND THERE IS COMPLETE SILENCE)

(THE WATER GETS TURBULENT AS IF THERE'S A MASSIVE STRUGGLE BELOW, AND BUBBLES RISE TO THE SURFACE, AND THEN COMPLETE SILENCE)

JILL (CRYING): Oh God… Barry! WHY?

(SEVERAL MINUTES PASS)

(SUDDENLY IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING IS RISING UP FROM THE WATER)

BARRY: I'm back, Jill!

JILL: Barry? You're alive! But… how?

BARRY: I'll tell you, Jill. I thought I could escape God by jumping into that tank, and I was swallowed up.

There I was, for 3 days and 3 nights, and so I prayed those nights, and then the beast rose to the surface and spit me out. There was no sign of the morning coming… I was left on my own… (SINGS) Like a rainbow in the dark! (STRANGE KEYBOARD MUSIC PLAYS)

(JILL LOOKS AT BARRY SILENTLY, AS IF SHE WERE GOING TO PASS OUT)

BARRY: Jill! You look horrible!

JILL: Barry. There's a giant shark in the water.

BARRY (SHOCKED): A GIANT SHARK? WE'LL DROWN! QUICK! WE HAVE TO DRAIN THE WATER! FOR THE HOOD!

(THEY GO QUICKLY TO THE DRAINAGE CONTROL)

JILL: Okay, we're in.

(THEY SEE A VERY STRANGE LEVER THAT SAYS "DO NOT PULL!")

BARRY: WOAH! DONUT POOL! (HE PULLS ON THE LEVER)

(A TOILET FLUSHING SOUND IS HEARD AND THE WATER IS DRAINED)

(A DOORIS REVEALED)

JILL: Huh? What's through that door?

(THEY GO THROUGH THE DOOR AND END UP IN A STRANGE LABORATORY-LOOKING PLACE)

(THEY GO INTO A ROOM WITH A PROJECTOR IN IT)

JILL: There's some slides in here…

(THEY VIEW THE SLIDESS AND SEE HORRIFIC SCENE OF ZOMBIE DOGS CALLED "CEREBUS", TOAD-LIKE THINGS CALLED "HUNTERS", SHARKS CALLED "NEPTUNE", KIDS AROUND A BIRTHDAY CAKE, AN ELDERLY MAN IN A TUB STARING LONGINGLY AT A RUBBER DUCK, THE EFFECTS THE T-VIRUS HAS ON PEOPLE, THE EFFECTS THE T-VIRUS HAS ON CLOWNS, THE EFFECTS THE T-VIRUS HAS ON CROWS WITH THE NAME "EDGAR" BENEATH THEM, A DOG BITING WESKER'S PANTIES ON A BEACH, WESKER WITH A BUNCH OF SCIENTISTS, AND FINALLY A CUTE KITTEN)

JILL: Barry! Did you see that?

BARRY (STILL STARING AT THE SLIDE): So THIS is the face of evil… DIE KITTY!! (HE SHOOTS THE WALL REPEADEDLY)

JILL: NO! Wesker was working with the scientists! He could be to blame for all of this! C'mon Barry! Let's investigate further.

(THEY FIND AN ELEVATOR AND RIDE IT DOWN)

(MEANWHILE…)

CHRIS: Damn! Where the hell are we now?

REBECCA: I don't know. There's an elevator right there! Let's find out where it leads!

(REBECCA PRESSES THE ELEVATOR'S BUTTON)

(WHEN THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS A BLOODTHIRSTY HUNTER APPEARS)

HUNTER: BLAH!

CHRIS: Oh, SHIT!

(BULLETS START GOING THROUGH THE HUNTER'S BODY AND WESKER TEARS THROUGH IT)

WESKER: Ha! Hunters! Sharp teeth but no stomachs.

(ELEVATOR STARTS GOING DOWN)

WESKER: Huh? HEY! Chris! Rebecca! Where are you going?

CHRIS: Where does this elevator go?

REBECCA: I guess we'll find out in a minute.

(THE ELEVATOR OPENS AND THEY FIND BARRY AND JILL)

CHRIS: JILL! I'm so glad to see you! (STARTS HUGGING HER) I'm so happy! (HUGS REBECCA) Okay, okay. Now, Rebecca. Hug Jill.

REBECCA: Huh?

JILL: Uh… okay…

(THEY HUG)

CHRIS: Okay, Jill. Stick your tongue in Rebecca's mouth!

JILL: WHAT? NO!

REBECCA: Wait… do you hear something?

JILL: Yeah… let's see what it is.

(THEY GO INTO A ROOM WITH TONS OF HORRIFIC MONSTROSITIES TO MAN))

BARRY: This room is plush.

CHRIS: Huh?

BARRY: Oh, nothing. There's Wesker.

JILL: Wesker!

WESKER: So you've found my lair. Barry?

(BARRY POINTS A GUN TO THE OTHER THREE)

CHRIS: BARRY! I knew it!

BARRY: It has two kinds of droppings, neither of which is particularly pleasant. (STARTS SHOOTING OUT POOP)

CHRIS: HOLY CRAP! ….LITERALLY! JILL! REBECCA! Let's get out of here!

(JILL AND REBECCA HAVE STACKS OF PAPER)

CHRIS: Huh?

JILL: Quick! Pick up your stack and go into the hole!

(CHRIS PICKS UP A STACK OF PAPER AND A HOLE APPEARS)

CHRIS: Woah…

(CHRIS JUMPS IN AND IS TRANSPORTED TO A WORLD WITH ORANGE PLATFORMS FLOATING ON NOTHINGNESS, PURPLE MOUNTAINS IN THE DISTANCES, AND STRANGE MINIATURE VOLCANOES WHICH BELCH GREEN LAVA)

JILL: Move carefully. None of these papers can fall.

CHRIS: What is this?

REBECCA: Shhh! You'll attract the hornets!

(30-FOOT TALL HORNETS APPEAR WITH BRIGHT ORANGE METL STINGERS)

CHRIS: Damn you, Wesker!

(A GIGANTIC ORANGE FACE OF WESKER APPEARS IN THE SKY)

WESKER: HAHA! Playing with your weiner, Chris?

(THE ORANGE FACE OF WESKER BECOMES A RINGING PHONE)

RICHARD: HEY GUYS!

CHRIS: Richard?

(RICHARD PICKS UP THE PHONE AND GETS SUCKED INTO IT AND GETS SPIT OUT INTO A PIE)

(SUDDENLY BARRY APPEARS)

BARRY: Woah, dude! Fast reload time!

(BARRY EATS THE PIE WHICH EXLODES IN GORE WITH BLOOD OOZING FROM WHERE BARRY BIT IT, AND THE SHOWER OF BLOOD BECOMES A SNAKE WHICH VOMITS OUT MINIATURE RICHARDS WHICH EXPLODE INTO BLOOD, AND FINALLY THEY BECOME A TERRAN MARINE WHICH STARTS SHOOTING ALL OVER THE PLACE)

TERRAN MARINE: I WILL EAT YOUR EYES, OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!

WESKER PHONE: Because hell is repetition.

SHAGGY: T-T-TYRANT GHOST!!

SCOOBY: Ri'm ronna ruck rou, Raggy! Ri'm rucking ruck Raggy rucking ruck Ri'm!

BARRY: Mmm… that pie was good! It made my tongue cry out in shame!

(WESKER APPERS BEFORE CHRIS)

WESKER: Chris! I'm a girl scout! Have some mung!

(PULLS OUT A GALLON OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE MILK BUT SAYS "MUNG")

CHRIS: WAIT! What's going on?

WESKER: Screw you guys, I'm going home!

BARRY: Chris! Marry me! I'm soaking we-

CHRIS: NO!

(CHRIS REALIZES THAT HE IS IN BED)

CHRIS: A- A dream?

BARRY: Not quite.

CHRIS: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(CHRIS WAKES UP AT HIS S.T.A.R.S DESK)

CHRIS: Phew. That was a freaky dream. Hey, Barry! Jill! I just had this weird-ass dream! You were there… and you were there… And so was Wesker… and Forest… and there was these zombies that ate everybody… and Richard kept dying… and Wesker was behind it all! And Barry was in a wedding dress!

BARRY: HAHA! I would never wear a wedding dress! coughagaincough

JILL: We have some bad news, Chris… Richard died in his sleep…

CHRIS: What? Really?

BARRY: Yeah! Blood everywhere!

WESKER: Yes, well your dream was incredibly silly. Everyone knows there are no such things as "zombies"

(STARTS LAUGHING MANIACALLY WITH LIGHTNING CRACKING IN THE BACKGROUND)

(THE END)

* * *

You are probably wondering why there is only one Hunter in this story, or why it was all Chris' dream. The answer is simple. We wrote this story entirely without a monitor, and without the letters A, G, and O on our keyboards. You can't spell the word "Hunter" without A, G, and O! We would like to thank brown cows, for their obvious role in the creation of chocolate milk.

* * *

CLEAR TIME: 39 DAYS

NUMBER OF SAVES: 00 Times

RANK: Big Boss

WESKER: You did a fine job, Chris. SEE YOU NEXT!


End file.
